Ex Caelum Anathema
Originally designed as an escort frigate and recommissioned to serve as an exploration & science vessel, “the Drake” has since become overrun by gnomes and currently does not serve any clear purpose except that of its crew’s obscure and whimsical motivations. This event is reported to have happened on April 1st, 2776, following an attack initiated by a kender, gnome and short-folk militia after they had grown bored of picking through a confectionary cargo vessel. Among those injured by the attack was, said to have lost both his legs.
It is presently not clear who or what masterminded this attack. While Z-Tech was an initial subject, given the strange, likely experimental nature of the happy-go-lucky beings now identified as ‘gnomes’, later evidence seems to suggest a more sinister plot. Close-ups obtained by the brilliant G identified various messages scrawled in the blood of the attack’s most prominent casualty, Twitchy, upon the side of the ship. Among them were:
“TORMENTED BY GNOMES”
“YOU GAVE ME NO CHOICE”
“IT DIDN’T HAVE TO END THIS WAY”
“YOU RUINED MY CHRISTMAS, JOE”
Whether or not this ‘Joe’ is indeed a clue as to an individual’s identity or merely a casual reference to any ordinary individual, as in ‘Average Joe’ remains uncertain, but it has been observed by L’Darken Mendoffrken Mendoff, who as it happens looks exactly like Benedict Cumberbatch, that this attack on the Drake was in fact intend at some much higher up power, perhaps within Z-Tech or perhaps even larger, who has been puppeting the Alphas’ situation thus far.
- Light Frigate, keeps in shape
- Painted bright magenta
- Size: It’s not the size that counts
- Speed: 0-4000 feet or something in between. We take it easy, man.
- Manueverability: Drunk
- Length: Wouldn’t you like to know, baby?
- Weight: Not as big as your mother
- Crew: Enough to need a bigger bed
- Power Core: Some serial number we grabbed off a cereal box
- Engines: Hard, Impulsive Thrusters
- Armor: Made of steel
- Sensors: Nipples
- Communications: Ain’t nobody got time for that
- Defense Systems: Kung-fu
- Weapon Systems: 2x laser sharks (range incr. 3000ft)
- Captain (morgan)
- Pilot (who’s flying this thing?)
- Engineer x2 (Fore engineering, obviously G) (Aft Engineering, some twerp)
- Laser shark x2 (fore turret) (aft turret)
- Shuttle ponies x2
- Shuttles are now ponies. We didn’t even have shuttles before, so vast improvement.
- Anything that will make Joe cry.
- You’ll need to buy the Drake dinner first to find out.
- Dissection station
- Joy’s Dungeons
- Twitchy’s bedroom
- Where Six used to jump around before he lost his legs
- Voyeur station
- Dirty Laundry Airing room
- Joy’s joyrides
Escape PodsThere is no escape.
- Hangman’s bay
- Insert Toilet humour here
- Joe’s tear flood
- G’s place to be awesome
- G’s minions place to be passably OKish
The original design was created
as both a fast escort and a transport. The hangars were designed to hold a squadron of light fighters that could be used both in space and atmosphere. The cavernous main hold could carry several ground craft and troops with the large doors at either end facilitating rapid loading and deployment. irrelevantly. Here there be gnomes now.